With astonishing honesty: Due to an incorrect perspective, my life felt apart

While on his European tour, I met John in Budapest, where he shared his life story and perspective that was highly inspirational. I have changed his name based on his request in this interview.

Ronyka:     

You joined the United States Army at the age of 20, and left at the age of 23 according to your LinkedIn profile. You had mentioned suffering a knee injury before our conversation. Can you tell me when and where did this happen?

John:           

I was injured in 2009 while training. I hate that word. I was 23 years old. My ligament tore, but because of a lack of recovery time, it failed to heal properly. In the past decade, I have undergone multiple knee surgeries, and my condition has deteriorated. Even driving has become challenging because of the pain. I can’t workout, so I’m looking for alternative sports.

Ronyka:     

What made you decide to join the military?

John:           

I wanted to be someone, to make a difference. It’s like what you see in movies. Oh man… I wanted to join the Special Forces, be a commando. My desire was to participate in special operations, rescuing people—hostages, journalists, senators—like a hero.

Ronyka:     

Wasn’t it just about adventures, but also about helping?

John:           

In the long run, yes. Adventure was also part of it, of course. It was my primary motivation to help my fellow human beings. Violence wasn’t an issue for me if it was necessary. However, my perspective changed after that.

Ronyka:     

Back then, how did you see yourself as a young soldier?

John:           

Capable, confident, and skilled. I knew I could achieve what I wanted. It didn’t happen that way; the injury happened instead.

The army is like an animal, quite a beast. That was the case back then, at least. I didn’t receive the care I needed; they were hard.

The military prepared us for wartime conditions, so we ran, drank water, and kept moving! There was a mentality that, while it hurts, it must be done! They didn’t really give you time for recovery. It’s not how the military operates.

As soon as you are not able, you get viewed very negatively. We use the term “bag of shit”. You know like when I go out for a walk with my dogs pick up the dogs’ poo poo. When you can’t physically keep up with your unit.

When I got injured, that was the turning point in my life. I was a “Golden Child” before that. That’s what we call military excellence. I was highly valued by leaders because of my abilities. As well as excelling in physical training, I also excelled in academics. Exams were easy for me to pass. But all of that disappeared in an instant.

Ronyka:     

How did you feel when it all disappeared?

John:           

I felt abandoned and lonely. It felt like nobody loved me. That created a root of bitterness, frustration, and shame. I hated myself for being injured. There’s a word for it…

Ronyka:     

Self-hate.

John:           

Yes, that’s it. Self-hate.

Ronyka:        

As a result of it, how has your life changed?

John:           

My relationships were destroyed by it. I gave up; I was no longer the person I used to be and excelled at everything. I reached rock bottom when my wife left. My lowest point came when my partner, the one who should have supported me, left me.

When I was serving overseas in a foreign country, I wanted to restart my life. Compared to other people my age, I went through a lot more. I still struggle to accept what I’ve accomplished so far.

Ronyka:     

When we met in Budapest, I saw a completely a changed person. You said your perspective changed too. Having overcome that bitter state, how did you become the person you are today?

John:           

The rock bottom moment led me to seek the higher consciousness God I just cried out to God. That’s when I first heard God. When I turned to the one whom I forsaken He never forsaken me. I just got this overwhelming feeling and heard Him saying: “You are not abandoned, you are not forsaken. I am with you. I’ve always been with you.” There was just this assurance, peace, and love.

Several times before that, I tried to commit suicide. I was placing my gun against my head, I started pulling the trigger, but someone suddenly stopped me. I have had many near-death experiences. It’s a miracle I’m still alive; I should have died years ago.

Until that point, I relied on my performance. As soon as I was unable to perform, everything collapsed. While I did my best, I realized that I am nothing without God, and that my identity is not determined by my performance. None of that matters anymore.

Ronyka:     

Were you changed by God, His perspective, and His love, then?

John:           

I have been changed by God’s love for me. It took a lot of time from that moment to develop maturity, my character and reevaluate my identity. I told God, “from now on what I’m just going to start developing, listening to you and I’m just gonna be led by you.”

I decided to grow, learn, and never look back! In my heart, I took the step without realizing that I was actually renewing my mind. I began to think differently, which led to speaking differently. And this, in turn, resulted in me acting differently.

Ronyka:     

We talked about how you went through a very serious low point and rose from it, undergoing a character transformation. How do you see your character now?

John:           

It’s simply not about me. It’s about God within me. My character is His character. It took a long time, many years, to get to this point. Now, I live from this understanding.

Ronyka:     

What are your future plans? What do you want to achieve?

John:           

This new perspective is what I want to teach people. The desire of my heart is to travel a lot and educate my fellow human beings. Also, I want to write books about my life.

Ronyka:     

If you had to highlight one thing, what would it be?

John:   

Hmm. I would say that it is my hope that people will come to know The One who created them, in the same way, hopefully more than the way that I. Truly is the only way for individual change.

Interview was made by: Veronika Károlyi (Ronyka)